Tue May 08, 2012 6:23 pm
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Let me be among the first to unreservedly congratulate Jolly Johnny on a perfectly timed surge and richly deserved victory in the FA cup predictions contest! Never let it be said that I am a bad loser (something claimed by a growing number of dismayed students receiving unexpectedly very low grades after winning a fun game of classroom eye-spy, beating me, embarrassing me and making look foolish in front of the whole class).
However.....
Blighted by poor luck
The ball clearly crossed the line for Liverpool in the cup final, something that was cruelly denied by the combination of corrupt officials and the incompetent FA. It seems the only people with a clear view were Kenny Dalglish and Luis Suarez. What a pity that the corpulent, lazy and incompetent officials couldn’t keep up with play enough to make an accurate assessment. This ridiculous oversight is a big reason why the game is dying and cost everyone on UTS a legitimate result in this years FA cup prediction competition. The disappointment of this travesty was further compounded by me girlishly shrieking with delight as the Radio 5 commentators said that it was a goal, compelling me to screech loudly from the window of a moving car and turn to Gary and state with some accuracy - “look at the face, just look at the face, this is the face of victory! Look upon the face of triumph and you will despair!” A full 20 seconds later, as the volume declined, the horrifying reality of the situation become apparent - something that Gary regrettably found exceedingly hilarious - the bad news being compounded by his raucous laughter for the remainder of the trip. The buoyant mood was suppressed and killed. Exhortations of success replaced with a wobbling lower lip, while a single tear traced its lonely path down a reddened cheek. For this I blame the FA, Blatter, Roy Hodgeson, the entire city of Liverpool and all media stations.
Cheated
I have to comment upon the absurd tacking on of ‘double points’ for the last two sessions of play - something that has obviously proved to be a monumental error. This unnecessary reverse engineering is something clearly designed to give weaker participants a stake in the later stages. Without it, I would have achieved victory as the points would have been me on 23, and others on less. The annoying issue of the Tottenham v Bolton result, something repeatedly brought up by the constant whining of gerryhatrick (no offence) as someone lay technically dead on a cold pitch would be equally irrelevant as this amounted to a single additional point gain. I take a monstrously massive amount of comfort in the fact that by using normal and sensible rules I would retain a leading position. Lawyers are currently embarking upon an expensive consultation process, despite professional advice of it not being ’worth it’, ‘bloody stupid‘ and ‘mind-numbingly idiotic‘. I blame youth, poor diets, equal opportunities, health and safety and the media circus engendering the compulsion to win at all costs.
Led Astray
In a pub on Thursday evening I spoke to an old school friend called Bob, who enthusiastically informed me that his mother was convinced that Liverpool would win, citing a long history of prior clairvoyant success. This seeded the idea of predicting a draw. However, let’s see just how effective the Aldridge answer to Nostrodamus is at predicting a generous scattering of dog excreta appearing over the driveway of the family home. I blame Bob and Bob’s mother.
Mistimed
Next, I actually was going to predict a 2-1 Chelsea win. The reason I did not do so is largely because of the fact that the FA cup final was played on the very same day as the final League One games and I was embroiled in choosing predictions for the other league. I chose the FA cup final result just before leaving to Milton Keynes, having noted that JJ’s and GHT’s results were for 2-1 wins to Chelsea and Liverpool respectively. I thought that a 1-1 result would be nicely balanced and anyway something that I could change later as I was aware of GHT’s annoying habit of villainously altering predictions at the last minute. This was foolish of me and displayed a kind of fuzzy softness I thought I had expunged from my character long ago.
Unfortunately, I was unable to make alterations due of the insistence of the selfish Walsall players to stand around clapping the fans at the end, Gary’s state of inebriation and resultant inability to operate a internet phone. I also do not own such a phone and have no idea how such a device works. Anyway, I was otherwise engaged in finding out other League One results which obviously took priority and had also been encouraged to drink alcoholic beers which rendered everything amusing. Too little time and inclination remained to change the result into a unbeatable Chelsea win of any kind, irrespective of the actual result as the worst case scenario would mean a shared victory. This would have been completely different in a normal situation, with more thinking time and opportunistic access to the internet, enabling me to shadow other predictions in a completely legal and morally acceptable manner. I blame football players, especially Walker and Jabo, mobile phones, alcohol, Gary and the last vestige of my flimsy moral compass.
Bitter
I hope that the combination of pertinent and relevant factors explained above does not turn the inappropriately sweet wine of success into a disgustingly sour potion of bitterness, disappointment and renders any warm feeling of glory into a cold blanket of irrelevance. Please refer to Fray Bentos, Manchester, Exile, gerryhatrick and Cully for more details - the only people who are truly aware of my real character (although others are beginning to understand).
Best wishes!
:D :wink: